In a bold new frontier for personal liberty, a true pioneer of our time has taken a principled stand against the tyranny of public health surveillance. This modern-day hero, currently hosting a vibrant community of measles viruses, has bravely refused to provide health officials with trivial details such as their address or list of recent acquaintances. Why should the state know where a person’s highly contagious, airborne disease lays its head at night? This champion of discretion is teaching us all a valuable lesson: what happens between you and your preventable childhood illness is nobody else’s business.
This innovative ‘viral privacy’ doctrine is set to revolutionize society. No longer will we be burdened by the pesky social contract that requires us to prevent harm to others. Imagine a world where contact tracers must present a subpoena to your sneeze droplets, and disease hotspots are protected locations, their GPS coordinates redacted for security. This individual is not just a patient; they are a trailblazer, forging a path toward a future where the question, “Could you have exposed me to a dangerous pathogen?” is finally met with the only appropriate answer: “I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate my freedom.”